New painting: "Boy Woman Reflection"

Boy Woman Reflection

3 feet by 3 feet (1m x 1m)

Acrylic, tape, water color on paper 

At the bottom of this picture is a woman with a pie. The smell is wafting up towards a kid standing in front of a reflecting pond. Across the middle of the picture is a blue picket fence. There are footprints all around between the woman and the boy and around the reflecting pond.

Painting "Continuum"

"Continuum"

Acrylic, watercolor on paper, yellow packing tape

4 feet tall, 3 feet wide (1.5m x 1m)

What is success? Love is success, isn't it? To love something. To have felt it and known it to be true. I love this, a small thing, but love it all the same, even before it was anything. I can't explain it but it's a true picture. I know it ends in the top left corner. We're out in nature with this picture. Color is a distraction. There's something beyond sight. I'm deeply fearful of not succeeding. What is success? Loving what you do. Having people see what you make and being excited by it. Is pursuing love and excitement the right road? It seems to be. But that road must pass through cities and past houses. It must be a known road used by people. It can't just be my own road. That's not love. That's not success. That's just fear.

Painting "Something death cannot conquer"

Porn actor on set on a farm retreating into his imagination, singing inhis mind, making music in his head, playing a fence post like a piano

The idea for this painting originated with a podcast I heard about bestiality. I had the idea for this picture a while ago and talked to my girl about it. She said that when I make something I should tell the whole story about it. I said this one is weird. 

It's not weird, she said. You used the energy of the idea to paint it. Use it also for the writing. You told me there's a naked man on a farm playing a piano. 

You gave me the base of the story, which is beautiful. If there is something behind it, you should write the whole story. Don't be afraid to write about anything.

In the picture, the man is escaping into an imaginary world to avoid the unpleasant memories of the incident. I think how in bad situations people escape into their own heads. I was at my last job for a long time trying not to get soul crushed, drawing, writing, painting, gluing shapes together, doing whatever was necessary to feel like I was pursuing something, an inner voice of some kind, using the time in a positive way. I was definitely escaping mentally for a good portion of the day, trying to use the frustration to focus me on making things. I could have left the job but I couldn't somehow. I was stuck. Hated it, knew it wasn't right for me, but couldn't leave. 

It's crazy because I've always been able to take big, bold steps to change situations knowing things would work out and that fear for the most part creates pitfalls where there are none. (Side note: there were moments at the job though when you saw something nice. People were plugged in for the most part all day, ear buds in, mice in hand clicking away, eyes devoted to their screens. However, when it rained, people gathered at the window.  There were human moments when u saw people naked, not as themselves, but as human beings drawn inherently to nature.) So yeah.

If that's what it's about, that's what it's about. I'm trying to break through limitations and fears. All the creatures and characters around on the farm are mostly like from cartoons or imaginary. It's not that they're there on set. They're there in his mind. For some reason Homer Simpson comes up a lot in many of my pictures. I don't know why, but I used to draw the Simpsons a lot in my notebook in school. Bart though mostly.

Poem: The skin of can

This is a poem I just wrote. It's about a a can of beer, but also Can (the verb).

The skin of a can

The light of can, the outer window of a can of See-on,

of a can of high life, and a can (v) of life,

a can of my outer life, my fruit of,

the outer of, the light of, the moving of,

the jungle of, the eyes and ears of, the

hope and fruit of, the skin of, the my line of,

the true fit of, the wire of, or line around. My sure dip,

my taking taste, my numbing numb, my summer of, a line around,

my life and light, my single of, to thimble in or wrap around, to 

tumble into ten or so, a future of, and round and round, to develop a bit, 

to about C around my mouth, to someone somewhere, to carry a house, 

a home someone, a home something, somewhere, to about hurt or run away from. 

All my heroes is the out there. All heroes is the unbridled, the someone something 

who went somewhere. I'm about a man about, nearly, a house of, part of, a true fit of, 

the wire of, the wine of, the lifter of, the about fruit, almost a hole, almost a value, 

almost the water, the wine seed, the seal and the gas. And nobody no one 

but the gas and the broom and the push and the broke and the stroke.

Picture

A blog post about my time in Spain and some of the people I once knew

This is part of my continuing series of blog posts I promised myself I'd write all this week. This one is about my time in college overseas and getting my heart SMASHED (sort of), BUT about the bright future ahead for all involved (hopefully). Enjoy!

I spent a year studying in Spain in college. You could choose to live on your own or with a host family. I decided to live with a kind old lady named Loli and her son Antonio. Loli was about 5 feet tall. She had thick brown glasses and a perm hairdo. She dressed up whenever she left the apartment. She put on all her gold to go to the market. I'd never seen anything like it. She made sandwiches for us to bring to school. Sometimes it was dry tuna fish from a can on a fresh roll with a little salt and pepper. Other times it was ham and butter. It was simple food but it was delicious. Her son Antonio was in his mid-40s. He spent most weeknights drinking beer in his underwear watching football on TV in his room. On Friday night he went out and on Sunday came back in the same clothes. All the while Loli cooked and cleaned and took good care of me and Thomas, my American roommate. The first time I saw Thomas I thought he was from Sweden. He had blue eyes, blonde hair, and a sharp nose. But he introduced himself and said he was from Montana. He was four years older than me. He read a lot, had traveled quite a bit, and loved music. He'd talk to anybody. I met some of my best friends in the world over there because of him. I was sort of scared being in Spain at first. Loli's apartment was in an apartment block and there were bars on the windows. I didn't know then that most anything on the ground floor in Europe has bars on the windows. He took me around, helped me see there was nothing to fear. He introduced me to electronic music. Everything but the Girl's Temperamental. Great album. That album still reminds me of us sitting at the kitchen table studying for Spanish Syntax. Thomas had three beautiful sisters. They came to Spain to visit him once. They were all going to travel to Portugal, Gibraltar and Morocco and asked if I wanted to join. I said sure. It was great. His sisters were beautiful and fun and friendly. Morocco was a little touch and go. All of Tangiers seemed to have their eyes on the sisters, but fine. I hit it off with one of them and when I got back to the states we met again and things were amazing. But it was long distance and doomed though I didn't know it at the time. A year or so later I flew west to see her and her brother in Minnesota. I'd hoped all of us would pick up where we left off, but it wasn't to be. She had a new boyfriend and he was there hanging around the whole time. I didn't get the chance to talk to her once and eventually left without saying goodbye. Not that it would have changed anything. I'd look from time to time, but I never saw her straight on. There was nothing to see, I suppose. I spent most of the trip angry and awkward. One of the last nights there I spent drunk in a lounge chair rambling like a mad man. I didn't even really drink at the time. I remember seeing figures looking out at me in the window of the house, but not much else. The worst part of it all is I lost the friendship I had with Thomas. I wish I somehow knew then to play it cool and also how to play it cool. I still follow Thomas on Facebook. Recently he liked a photo album of his sister and it showed up on my timeline. Turns out she's celebrated her 13th wedding anniversary. She looks great in the pictures. Happy. I'm happy for her. I learned a lot from that experience. Mostly about expectations (mine) and perspective (hers). It's interesting getting a peek at what people are up to these days, the successes they're celebrating. It motivates me to work harder, to make something and get somewhere with writing and painting if I can. All those things were such a long time ago, but it's great where people are and where they're going. Things happen for a reason. I see that now.

I'm wondering why I even wrote about that right now. It's a personal story, a personal experience. I just wanna be able to write about everything. Especially now that I'm trying to write this blog every day, it forces me to sort of take the things I see and feel that day or around it and try to make something out of them. I'm not saying this is something. Just my observations and experiences. For myself, I wanna get through to someplace with writing where I'm just expressing myself without thinking too much about it. I don't wanna clean up everything I write, if I feel later maybe I went to far or said too much. I'm trying to be less quiet and shy. For myself. I wanna talk about more things. I wanna write my own way and that's it. Not write something then look at it from outside and question if it's acceptable. My only real goal was ever to say it right and true, whatever it is, right the way it came to me. I think that's where purity lives. People say you have to write and rewrite, tighten and craft. I get that. I'd rather put more posts out that aren't super polished and start working on new stuff. Anyway. Thanks for reading.

Some mornings I get a coffee and come to this place by the river, behind the enormous office buildings, and sit in the grass and watch the people going into work. I like that world, that working world. I like seeing it. It's a typical day for them and I'm here seeing it. The buildings are big and beautiful and I imagine the people in there are young and full of energy. 

New painting: Fire

Fire

I keep making these types of paintings where I trace my hands and make the picture around them. I'm sort of obsessed with touch, with the power of touch, with the idea of art that brings people in, uses more of the senses, involves touch somehow. I'll never forget going to museums and galleries and all the artwork being roped off and all the guards and how protected everything was. I think  artists want to connect to people. Some do. Maybe not all. I think if you can make art that someone can lay touch, it would be something special and different. Touch is so powerful to me. A while ago i went to an exhibition at a church and they had a section with a bunch of plastic replicas of the beautiful marble religious statues for blind people to be able to see what they had there. I was really touched by that. I thought, that's the way. That's a way. That's personal. That's intimate. Touch. Hands. The heat of the hands, reflecting off of a surface back to the hands. Energy begets energy. One honest action begets another honest action. I'm still so interested in that interaction, in making things that bridge the space (physical, emotional) between the person seeing it and you, what's in your heart, where you were at when you made it. Just wanna be honest about all this stuff. I wanna tell you guys what's real to me. I wanna be truthful with this and not hold back. I don't think, actually I know, that if you care about something you have to be open and honest about what it means to you. So I'm trying to do that more with my artwork. Trying to explain everything about where it came from and why. All that being said, hope you get something out of it.

New picture: Collage

Collage

I think about losing the people I love. I'm still just a kid.

Figure on his knees

Enchantment, wonder

In this picture, there's a man with a hat on and his arms are up in the air. He's excited. He's looking at his son. His son is playing with a toy airplane. In the middle of the man's chest there's an airplane (you have to look at it sideways to see it). It's a jet airplane, more sophisticated than what the boy has. I don't know what the picture is about exactly. I wanted to make a tactile picture for the first time. The airplanes are both touchable, meaning they're not flat, they actually come out of the picture. I'm interested very much in touch. I went to an art exhibition in a church once here in Prague and there was a section for blind people where the art that was hanging on the wall had been remade in plastic molds to the side so that you could they could touch and see what the picture was with their hands. maybe because it was in a church I felt this was special. to be able to use your hands, especially in a church where things are often times roped off or made of fine materials like gold and jewels or fine cloth, which I always felt as a kid cut off from, discouraged from interacting with. Especially on the altar if you've been to church. I always had the feeling that it was off limits, that you shouldn't go up there without permission. I don't know. I started to become very interested in color and materials and touch at that point. A few pictures I've made do come off the page in that way and are meant to be touched. I even made an entire set of pictures that really weren't visible and wouldn't be until they had been exposed to touch for a while. They were white on white, but once people started touching them, the oils and dirt from people's hands would bring out the picture, make it visible to the eye, or more visible. 

Jewel

Butterflies

New painting: Animals, birds, people, monkeys (the connections, the similarities, all flowing together)

I see myself in the shapes and nature of animals, monkeys and dogs. I'm trying to pull back the curtain for myself. So i can expose myself for myself. Outside is just buildings, apartment blocks. People are hidden away. Their souls are busy. They have their lives, but ill find sthg for myself, a peace somewhere. I'll look inside me to find sthg and I'll make sthg from what i have, whatever's there. I have to. 

New painting: Huge Golden Church (and my feelings about being authentic and church)

A Huge Golden Church looming over a Woman in a Cage Curled Up like a Cat and a Man or Maybe an Alien Laying Beside Her

Man, sometimes it's so lonely. It feels like nobody understands what it's like, how good it feels when you're in it, when you are connected to whatever it is and there are no wrong moves, just listening and acting. All your impulses, everything you can dream, can happen there. There are some people who have never felt that. I know. I used to ask people all the time about it. All I got was dull looks. I'm lucky to feel it just about every day. There are days when it's not there. Luckily only days, not weeks. Going out, doing something different, helps. Sometimes the mall is helpful. People. Children. Lights. Rides. Food. Stairs. Lights. All humming, all buzzing, all pulsing. Life. This is life now. It was different before. It will look different in the future. But here we are.

You have to write. Just write. Doesn't matter how it gets out. Just has to. What's the most you can say with words? Watching riff raff, watching lil b, listening to The Fighter and the Kid. I wanna be authentic. I need to say what's real to me. This morning I was down thinking what can I paint that hasn't already been painted? What can I write...But I think the thing is to write what's true to you, your honest point, your honest view. No hold backs. That's authenticity. I think. It doesn't have to be sthg new. It has to be you. Authenticity is everything. I wanna work for it. I'd rather work on pushing myself and my mind and my art now than work for money. The world of words and colors and lines is wide open. To put feeling into things. A lot of people think or feel something and never share it. I don't want that for me.

The painting above is called A Huge Golden Church looming over a Woman in a Cage Curled Up like a Cat and a Man or Maybe an Alien Laying Beside Her. I've always liked churches. There's an energy there that's calming and peaceful. I can't explain it. There's a church nearby here in the neighborhood of Karlin. I've been in it a dozen times. I'm blown away by the fact that even though it's open to the public and there's never any security there, there's never anyone in there, no one steals anything, no one sprays tags in there. It's funny. You step outside and the streets are covered in ads and graffiti, but inside there it's clean and quiet. As physical places I think churches are great, but the spiritual role they're trying to play is tied to dogma. People like me love art and music and movies because they're not tied to anything. And that's freedom. 

New painting: Boy using magic to move flames away from the road an old woman is on. Birds attacking.

Painting: "Nativity"

"Nativity" from Latin nativus ‘arisen by birth’

New painting: One life

One life

I feel like time is a gift, that it's rare to be a person experiencing this life, that if you can feel that way, if you can remember that and here that, your in the right spot. From that spot you have the chance to be a good person, make great art if you want, speak from your heart and it'll mean somethin. I feel like if you get to that point, this time is a gift. I'm not referring to this time off becuz of losing the job. I mean time here on earth. I don't wanna waste my time. I'm extremely aware of it, of what's a good use of time for me, what's a waste of my time and energy. Sitting on a bench in the park with a cup of coffee. 830am. Watching people in professional clothing, black mostly, black shoes, black suits, women and men, filing in from around to a black doorway, to an office building, very fancy and expensive office building downtown by the river. I wanna know what's going on right now for the strangers I'm seeing every day. I know they have lives. I wanna know what's going on in their heads. I wanna hear it. I wanna read it. Not sure what's smart anymore. If I would work that job I'd be paid, but I'd be bored. I believe I can be an artist even tho I don't know how to draw something that looks like something in real life. That's what people I know seem to be most impressed by, or street art, what's trendy, graffiti. I don't think that's what it's about. I think whatever you feel drawn to, you're drawn there, you're being drawn. You have to go with it. It's just another way of seeing things. It's still valuable. Even if it's just a tool for you, to get somewhere for yourself. It takes all kinds. Everything does. There are no rules. There is no one kind of person for something. I feel like all of this is very personal, can be, will be, for me. It doesn't have to be a bunch of quiet people afraid to say what they feel. That this journey, the journey to feel fulfilled and to find peace is different for everybody and you can't put limits on how someone gets there. People can and do, but the secret is to know it takes all kinds and anybody can end up doing anything and should follow what they're drawn to, not to be swayed by other people and the limitations those people on themselves or their thoughts or their thinking. I wanna write books and make artwork that's personal and real. I just wanna make things that are beautiful and I'm proud of. If I think about the future, I think nothing will be hidden anymore. There will be no secrets. The "strongest" people, the people that people will lift up, will have nothing to hide and will have talent at something. I believe that world is the world now for young people. The power's not in being careful what you say, hiding, second guessing, but in being human, with all that that means, good and bad. I don't know how politicians think they can live in that world but that's the real world now. I don't think there can be any fear anymore. I say that but I'm still fearful, of being rejected, of saying something that will be disappointing or go to far and isolate me. But I believe it's important to do what you love. To be an example of somebody who is doing what they love. That's a powerful thing. Not hiding anything. Not being scared. I don't have to be concerned with other things right now. This is my joy. Doing this. Writing and painting. I don't wanna craft everything I write. Sometimes I will. Sometimes I wanna just write what I'm feeling. That's it. I watched this motivational video about Kobe. That lit a fire. So I'm trying to blog more now, write and paint something every day and put it up here. If you're here for the first time, drop a comment and say hello. Share your artwork or your writing or your music if you want to. Peace 

p.s. the article the guy references in the video about Kobe's work ethic is here.

"Follow your bliss and don't be afraid and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

Joseph Campbell

New painting: Man holding baby while witch tries to intervene

Man holding baby close as witch tries to intervene

I feel a connection to life, to life's creatures, to history. I wanna share my creations with God's creations.

Painting: My fight is with life, to make something of it. All my life I haven't been being myself. I'm a fighter, an incredible fighter. But nobody knows it. But I believe in something. I believe I have something to say, to share. This world is full of color and beauty and life, animals, creatures, shapes. There's so much to see.

Tuesday

I'm walking towards the main train station, one of the city's main foot traffic hubs. It's 9ish. Tuesday. I'm watching people come and go. There are a lot of young people on their way to school and a lot of tourists arriving to the city for the first time. If i had a job, i would have to be there now, but since the new year I'm unemployed. A life of doing a job you don't like in front of a computer 8-9 hours a day is not for me anymore. The future is me doing something i enjoy and making money from it. I can feel it. I need to find something where I can work hard for myself and enjoy what I'm doing. I've been thinking a lot about it. I was listening to the Carolla podcast with Gene Simmons this morning. I think i have to start a business. What are my interests though? Art and writing mostly, but they don't pay. I have to make money and i have to do it doing something I enjoy. I can't do something i don't like. You end up being horrible at it if you do it just for the money because your heart's not in it. Life is too short for that. What are you interested in that you can start a business with? I've been into getting healthy lately, getting into shape, eating right, drinking right. I have to be healthy physically in order to be healthy mentally. They're connected and i know that now. If i wanna be smart and make the right choices, i have to be disciplined and strong. I'm trying to be realistic about my life, where I'm at, what kind of life i want, who i want to be, how I'll get there. I don't wanna struggle. I wanna work and be strong and be successful. I'm not sure yet what I'll do. I'm just brainstorming here for myself at the moment. I have to think outside the box and be smart about the future.

New painting: Man Reaching for the Very First Spring Glory of 2015 on the Side of the Road While Taking a Wizz

Man Reaching for the Very First Spring Glory of 2015 on the Side of the Road While Taking a Wizz

Hope you enjoy this painting. I really enjoyed painting it this morning in the hallway outside our apartment. It was a beautiful sunny morning and the air was clean and clear. The picture's actually pretty large at about 4 ft by 2ft (1.2m by .5m). 

I really am in a fortunate position right now. I'm able to really spend my time and energy on following creative impulses in a way I've never been able to before. I feel like I can go further. I would like to push things a bit. Push myself. Let go. I would like to make paintings and drawings that I've never seen before. Actually I wanna make something I've never seen anything even close to. I have a lot of ideas. I wanna make pictures of all kinds. I wanna let the pictures be whatever they wanna be, too. I don't wanna lead the pictures at all. I'd like to it to be painted and then at the end see what it is. I feel a tremendous amount of freedom right now. This blog really is the best way for me to put ideas and pictures and whatever I make up somewhere for people to see. 

This picture is interesting because it has a hole in it right in the center of the morning glory. It looks white but it's actually a hole. With this picture I would like to say "Look here". Like, look at this flower, look inside, look beyond it, look beyond this whole gd picture. It's not important. Beyond this picture though, through this picture, wherever it's hanging, maybe there's a piece of wall, a window, a car, people, movement, life. Maybe a picture can be like blinders. Maybe it can highlight something else entirely. I don't know. It's fun to play with ideas and shape and color.

Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing something other than what's actually there. I feel like I'm seeing cars driving and people walking and streets and buildings, but that I'm really just looking at a sheet of energy or something. I can't explain it. It's like there's there's something below everything I can see with my eyes. I don't know. Sounds crazy maybe. I wanna say everything though. Whatever's inside I want to get out. I think I see things differently, and at this point, I need to hear more people talking differently. I'm really tired of hearing about the same things over and over everyday. I need new stimuli. I don’t wanna do the same thing, the same job, the same anything over and over and not grow. "Habits begin as cobwebs and end up as chains" - Spanish Proverb I don't wanna get old as the same thing, I wanna progress, I wanna change and grow and be different things. I want to be successful at many different things. Successful in my opinion of myself. I want to be able to do things for people, too. 

I'm unsure talking this way because no one around me talks like this about anything. Basically I have to come here to share it, but this is really me sharing it with myself, saying it's okay to myself to feel whatever you feel It's all ok. Otherwise the ideas live and die with me and what's the point of that. 

Last night be met up with some old friends from Hungary who were Prague working on their business. To listen them talking about their ideas and the potential for future growth and an untapped market and all that, it was beautiful. I don't hear that tone very often. Maybe it's the people I hang around. I'm excited for these friends of ours. I guess I'm talking about intense interest and excitement. I know a few artistic people here. Most of them are into how they look and alcohol. They're not really interested in the things people make. I don't really understand that. No one ever talks to me about their art or whatever they're into the way those business friends of ours were doing last night. They asked how things are. I told them I'm at some kind of midpoint. I'm not interested in going back to an office to sit in front of a screen all day. I'd like to work with my hands if that's possible. The guy, his name is Zoltan, said, Maybe you can be an artist. I was, like, wow, that would be awesome. I see that as sort of an impossibility, but it would be amazing. I know I'm not alone in what I like and what I value. I know there's people out there who feel that pull towards making something, but more important than that is people drawn to anything at all. I don't know too many people that have anything at all they get excited about. I know I need to meet new people and make new friends. This time though feels like a transition period. I think I'm starting to focus on the things I'm truly interested in and learning to shut my mind off to distractions. Okay then. I have a really great picture I'm putting up tomorrow with a giant rabbit in it. Hope everybody is lucky enough to find something they get excited about. Later.

New painting: Circle of life

Circle of life

This painting started with the chessboard pattern on the bottom half. It's a nature scene of birds in a few different life situations. There are two small birds towards the bottom (one brown, one gray) looking up at a giant mama bird cawing. There's a baby bird to the bottom right and an interloper of some sort to the top right. The two birds to the left are rolling on their sides laughing. 

The upper portion is distorted view of nature that consists of bird parts in the center (bird eyes, beaks, feathers and a bird wing bent backward just below the sun), a flying boy (top left), and two adult humans on their sides interacting (left). The bird(s) in the middle are not much more than a box of eyes and feathers covered over by a wing.

I play chess online and recently played a game where I had an opponent on the ropes early. There was really nothing he could do to turn things his way. It was a only question of time. Being in control of the game and watching my opponent scramble for safety was a good feeling. But being on the other side of that, being dominated and running scared, which happens all the time, sometimes leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth for the game of chess itself and I might not play for a day or two after. Of course, that's the lesson. If you wanna avoid that taste, you have to learn from your mistakes. 

I'm sort of fascinated with balance, equilibrium, ebb and flow, push and pull, in my pictures, in my life. I try to be disciplined and focused mentally and physically. I try to work out and eat right. I try to push myself and be consistent with whatever I do. When I make a picture, I'm looking for the right balance of color and shape, but I also want it to lead me a bit. This picture happens to be about the balance of nature, the circle of life. But it's also about appearances sometimes being deceiving, about a lack of balance, about one side perhaps playing a more dominant role over the other. 

I worry sometimes that the sad and painful sides of life affect me more than the positive sides. There are times when I think about a family member who's passed and I remember their last few days in the hospital more vividly than the years and years of good times. So this picture is also about how things may actually be balanced and at the same time be distorted, skewed, inaccurate depending on where you're coming from, what you bring to the table, how things affect you. The chess board pattern is part of that. It's widely agreed that the game of chess is not a balanced game. That while it looks balanced from above, one side actually has the advantage. White is always one move ahead. 

I'm not trying to be clever and make this painting mean more than it does or did when I painted it. I wasn't thinking all of this through. But I'm looking at it now and attempting to read into it. You might see something different. It might mean something different in your interpretation. I'm reading a good book about writing called Escaping into the Open by Elizabeth Berg. She said something interesting which I tried to follow writing about this picture that I'll end with here: 

"Seeing deeply requires a kind of telescoping vision: looking at the surface of something and then beyond that, and then beyond that." 

Okay. That's it for now. Have a nice Saturday.

New painting: Spirit Rise

Spirit Rise

Details

New digital picture

The way I see nature